“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”—James 1:19 (NLT)

God has called us for a purpose—to be used by the Holy Spirit in the places He strategically has us. This call requires us to be willing to intentionally engage with the people God has placed in our lives. Yet, in our polarized culture, it’s become increasingly difficult to have meaningful conversations with individuals who hold different views from our own. While it may seem convenient to avoid certain topics in order to keep the peace, there’s a way to engage in discussions that’s both fruitful and edifying.

The Golden Rule

If there’s an area for us to demonstrate God’s love to our neighbors, it’s in our speech. So, before engaging in a challenging topic with someone, believer or nonbeliever, we need to consider what our motivation is for the things we want to say.

Our conversations should reflect God’s love, grace, and truth. Therefore, the things we say should be driven by love for our neighbor, not by our desire to be right. This is the first and most important place to start with any polarizing conversation because “if [we] could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, [we] would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1 NLT).

Quick to Listen

Difficult conversations can entice us to give quick rebuttals or defenses, but these conversations are a perfect place to practice listening. When we actually listen to what another person is saying instead of focusing on everything we want to say, we gain understanding and empathy for that person. Listening allows us to pick up on definitions, emotions, and values that the topic has for that individual. Therefore, when we’re quick to listen, we gain valuable information which in turn should inform our response.

Slow to Speak

Before we jump to give an answer, we can slow down even further by asking questions. We learn this from Jesus Himself, who often answered questions with follow up questions (e.g., Mark 10:17–18). So, as you’re listening, you can ask questions like:

• Can you clarify something for me, how would you define _________?
• What do you mean when you say ___________?
• Wow, this is significant to you. You seem to be feeling ___________. Am I right?

Asking clarifying and follow-up questions helps us understand where the person is coming from, the logic behind their reasoning, their emotional state, and what they fear and value. This will equip us to respond more effectively.

Slow to Become Angry

Our own emotional reactions to certain topics cannot be overlooked during these moments because our feelings can often hijack our reasoning, which can lead us to respond in ways that are more harmful than beneficial. As you’re listening and asking questions, check in with your own heart. What emotions come up for you as you listen? As you notice them surface, practice surrendering them to the Holy Spirit. Ask Him for words that are grace filled and truthful in order to represent Christ well.

Final Points

If your conversation is with a nonbeliever, remember:

• You’re an instrument used in that moment to point them to Christ, but it’s God’s Spirit who convicts and does the work of salvation—the pressure is not on you.
• Use everyday language to share your story by avoiding Christianese terms like “sin” and “atonement” because a nonbeliever may not understand this language. Instead, use words they can relate to like “broken” and “made new.”
• You may not have the opportunity to lead someone all the way to the gospel in one conversation. Sometimes, you may leave a question for that person to ponder, and that is okay. For more specific tools on how to share your faith, a great resource is the book Tactics, by Greg Koukl.

If the conversation is with a believer, consider:

• This person is your sibling in Christ, so your conversation should reflect that.
• No matter what you disagree on, you must always come back to the nonnegotiables: the foundations of Christian doctrine.
• Regardless of your differences, your allegiance to Christ should always be stronger. Don’t let the topics divide you, for Jesus calls us to live in unity (John 17).

God has called us to be a light in this dark world, to be His ambassadors in the places He has us, and to point those in our lives to Jesus. As we make space for these opportunities, “let [our] conversation[s] be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that [we] may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6 NIV).